Advice for the Children of Divorcees

I'm reading a book about baby sleep. "What is there to know?" you ask (those of you without children, that is. Those of you with kids know exactly what there is to know--anything and everything). I thought the very same thing: "The kid sleeps when he sleeps, right? They come pre-programmed, just like a cell phone." This couldn't be more inaccurate, and just goes to show that this whole modern-day non-communal living thing leaves us metropolitan loners in the dark when it comes to babies and things like how they sleep. So I'm reading a book about it. You get a car, you read the manual. This is the same thing, I figure. There's a helpful section on great ways to get your tot to sleep without resorting to tears and misery for all members of the household, and most of it seems like practical, non-smarmy advice. But my irony alarm beeped when I read the section about creating a "Sleep Book" for the tot, a book about him and the sleep goals you envision, complete with photos of him, etc.

The author writes: "You can also use this idea to wean Baby from the pacifier, or for that matter, to help Baby adjust to any major change in her life, such as introducing a new pregnancy, or dealing with a divorce." [emphasis mine]

I tried to picture what such a book would look like...

Timmy's Little Book of Divorce

One day, Timmy came home and Daddy was packing up his suitcase. Timmy said, "Where are you going, Daddy?" Daddy said, "Ask your Mother, the harpy."

"Mommy, where is Daddy going?"

"Straight to hell, for all I care."

"Daddy, Mommy says you're going straight to hell."

"That's great, as long as it keeps me far away from that monster!"

"Mommy, Daddy says you're a monster. That's not true, is it?"

Daddy packed up and moved in with his life-guidance coach, Vivian. Mommy went to live at an ashram, and Timmy got to play out back with the goats in the shed. Timmy got lice, and was dipped in Rid for a week.

Vivian is a witch. Timmy hates Vivian.

The End.

Well, that was helpful, wasn't it?