To you on our non-anniversary

\Dear BBB,\ \ As I floated in the tub to create a little buoyancy and alleviate the strain in my hips (a new sort of pregnancy ache, I'm afraid) and read the latest Pottery Barn detritus while thinking to myself, "It's all so bland, so severe, so...dull," I looked up at our blue and green bathroom walls, the colors I imagine Greece would fill me with, and thought, "what a lovely home." And then I realized how far away you are, how you were here this morning with me as I tossed and turned and probably kept you from the few decent hours of sleep you would get for the next few days, and I missed you terribly. \ \ Perhaps I miss you so intensely because I'm filled to the brim with baby, our baby, and I realize how much I look forward to sharing this strange, terrifying, exciting experience with you. Perhaps it was that story we listened to yesterday on This American Life, a story which brought home for us both how short and precious life can be, and that we've been terribly fortunate to have been given the time we've already shared, and our hopes that we'll be able to share many more years. Perhaps it's the usual visceral fear every time one of us travels that this might be the last time we see each other, and the desperate hope that you know how much it is that I love you should fate intervene in a tragic way. \ \ It's not a painful love, a dull aching throb that feels slightly masochistic; it's one of the most wholesome, sweet and enduring loves I hoped but never believed would be a part of my life. It is a love filled with little ditties and shared jokes, inconsistently cooked meals and a guilty appreciation of trashy tv, and so much laughter. It is a love that drives me to be creative, to impress you and make things for you that make you laugh. Not all of what I write or create could possibly be meaningful to you, but each little thing I make is filled with you. You have given me, more than I ever had on my own, confidence and self esteem and a happiness to make things for us both to enjoy, whether it's stupid journal entries or our little party invitations, or a cozy home--too small but full of light and heart. Each thing is fleeting and not meant for permanence, but each one is a little love missive about our life together. \ \ Sometimes I don't tell you in uncertain terms how much I love you, how empty my life would be without you in it; I saw Storm today, and we talked about her and Davey, Art and Stephanie, all of the people we know, and we've been outrageously fortunate to be able to just love each other so easily. It's a rare gift, as becomes ever more clear with the passing of time and other people's relationships founder on the rocks one by one. I don't know why it's so easy for us to simply love each other, but I cherish it and hold it dear above all things. \ \ When you tell me, "No ant killer, either," I know that is the sound of our funny but true love. That you know me well enough, better than I do, to bust me in the act of something before I've even done anything...that's a special thing. Annoying, funny, but lovely. And when I'm hungry, turning into a little black hole of low blood sugar, and you bring me PB&J, it melts me a little. When you come back to bed dead asleep singing about our fat cat, you speak to my heart. You do a thousand little things that make me spoiled rotten and wildly happy. I'm truly the luckiest girl in the world. \ \ So work your little hiney off, but don't hurt yourself. We have an excess of love in this house and it will be a great adventure to share some of it with a new little being created in such a home. If it wasn't clear before, this is how I say I love you: I love you. I hope that our life together will always be so easy, but if it's not, I will still love you and believe to the bottom of my utterly verklempt little heart that we have one of the greatest relationships on this earth, or any other. \ \ Come home to me soon. PPP\