Let's review:

  • I'm almost two-thirds of the way there. This is the point at which you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and, having forgotten that you're pregnant because you're dead asleep, are alarmingly propelled forward toward the loo as your tummy, now made of lead, falls into your hip sockets. Gravity is having it's way with me. Cheap slut.
  • The house is still being worked on, which I suppose was to be expected. This also means that I can see the finish line, and I'm pretty sure that it's moved about 10 miles from when I signed up for this thing. And it looks like my poor friend who's doing the work is stuck with us for a while. This is the classic and cliche renovation; too many variables to recount here, but suffice it to say that 1) Friend's helper (aka: my husband) threw his back out, thus he's been doing the work solo for a while 2) Friend is a perfectionist working on a house that is not perfect. At all. 3) Have you ever tried to pick exterior paint? It is much harder than you would expect, lemme tell you. 4) I'm beginning to think the primer looks just fine.
  • I'm designing the shower/party/celebration invitation, and it's possibly too warped even for me. But I crack up every time I see it, so I think family and friends will just have to deal. They're pretty accustomed to my poor taste at this point, so they should expect nothing less now, right?
  • Between the hospital bills and the house being painted we should be in debt for more or less our entire lives.
  • The bun, aka "L'il Nachos", aka "Tiny," might have a name. But I keep waffling. And I wonder if he won't pop out, say hello, and we realize, "Oh, crap. That's not his name at all--his name is actually __________." At this point we would do well to call him Bruce Lee the Second: "Hi-Yaaaaah!"
  • Computer still MIA. I keep the eternal flame lit in remembrace and hope. One day it will return from the Apple vortex, of this I am sure!
  • Looking for a "doula." For those of you who don't know (or possibly care) what a doula is, I'll tell you. It's a woman who provides the labor coaching that the medical establishment, in all it's wisdom, made the poor hapless husband do for the last twenty-thirty years. Now, when I looked at the problem of husband involvement objectively, this whole "husband coaching" thing seemed patently absurd. It's not that men are incapable of being completely involved and helpful, but let's think about this for a moment: Men have been pretty much excluded from this monumental experience for thousands of years (which is no judgement, just reality). So all of the sudden, the MD's of the world say, "Okay men, step up to the plate and help your wife pass a roasting chicken through parts that you thought were reserved for your good, dirty fun, and don't faint." Does that seem a reasonable proposition? No, it does not. It's like asking an astrophysicist to write good poetry or an artist to build a hydro-electric dam. Probably not impossible, but not really their forte. So I'm hiring a doula to do the heavy lifting (probably literally), so my husband (and I) don't feel overwhelmed with our complete inadequacy for the job. It's like a little insurance policy against making both of us feel like total boobs.

    The flip side is that to be a doula you must apparently be of that school of serious, sober women who describe pregnancy and birth as a "journey" and "empowering," which, you may have surmised if you've been following this journal at all, is pretty anathema to me. Where oh where is the funny, flippant, goofy doula who can laugh at my bad jokes between yelps of agony? But I can deal with a little earthy earnestness if she can help me pass a roasting chicken without my husband passing out.

    So that's it. Things seem to be moving forward, but not apace. "Tiny" is kicking me good and swiftly right now--it seems he's learned morse code and wants me to let all of you know, .-..-. -\ --- / ... . .-. ...- . / -- .- -. .-..-. / .. ... / .- / -.-. --- --- -.- -... --- --- -.- --..-- / -. --- - / .- / --. ..- .. -.. . / - --- / -... . - - . .-. / .-.. .. ...- .. -. --. / .-- .. - .... / .... ..- -- .- -. ... .-.-.- / .- -. -.. / -.. --- -. .----. - / --. . - / .- -. -.-- / .. -.. . .- ... / .- -... --- ..- - / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. .. -. --. / -- . / .-.. .. - - .-.. . / -. .- -.-. .... --- ... .-.-.-\