Advertising Pitches for the Return of the Husband

I wrote my friend, who's visiting this week to tell her that the husband would be making an appearance while she was here. I wrote: "Lars is coming home for 3 days on Sunday, so you'll even get to see "he-that-is-never-home.' It will be like one of those "very special Christmas" movies, where Dyan Cannon guest stars as the happy elf that saves Christmas. It will be amazing!" She replies:

    "Marketing campaign options for his appearance:

    Option 1 - The Wilderness Show Theme Join us on our excursion to the natural habitat of the elusive woolly Lars-o-beast. Bring your binoculars and cameras to capture this unique experience. (No flash please, he hasn't seen the light of day for months, the flash will blind him.) We will go to the green neighborhoods of Portland to peer at the rarely seen Lars-o-beast while he engages in the post-mating ritual of "Oh my god, who is this woman who won't eat cold cuts or drink beer, and is apparently going to spawn the fruit of my loins in rather short order?" If we are lucky we may even see the Lars-o-beast get a full night's rest, dine out with friends, lollygag, and mourn the condition of his wee tomato farm. So don't miss your opportunity to see the Lars-o-beast on this rare appearance as he emerges from the recording studio where he has been toiling to squirrel away some clams for the future support of his young and mate.

    Option 2 - The Rock Star Theme Appearing for 3 days only! Playing tunes from the good old days! Join us when he sings songs like "Pass me another beer please, I can't seem to get my ass off the couch", and "Let's go get something good to eat", and of course your favorites like "I can't believe I just slept for 12 hours straight!", and "What the hell happened to my tomatoes?". He'll be crooning some new tunes too: "My wife is getting rather rotund" and "I got mugged at the Plaid Pantry buying fudgecicles for my wife at 4 am". Don't miss your opportunity to see Lars do his grand finale of "You can't make me get back on the plane if I handcuff myself to the kitchen sink!". Tickets available now, limited time offer for front row seats, no special passes."

I just can't decide which to go with! They're both so good!