Inventions You Never Knew Existed

My mother, bless her heart, has seen to my education in the quest for maternity clothes. She goes out, sword in hand, assailing my enemies of hideous patterns and bad prints, and leads me along gentler paths towards less vile clothing. You see, even though I was weighed today at the doctor, and have actually lost weight (three pounds) what has really happened is that the weight is merely being re-distributed. Boobs and belly bigger, everything else, infinitesimally smaller. Pants, getting snug. Bras, a bit goofy-looking now as I ooch out of the cups (small, small cups--now I think I wear a small B). So we go to this maternity store that has all of the expensive maternity clothes that I railed against yesterday, but many of them were on sale, so of course I had to try them on. You know, for novelty's sake.

On one of the sales racks there was this classy little cocktail number that I wanted to try on, because it's fun to fantasize that I might have somewhere elegant to go towards the end of this strange adventure. I go into the dressing room, master of my maternity destiny to try on some really wacky pants, and then show them to mom.

And there it was.

In another stall, there was the faux-belly. The simulacra tummy created so that you can try on clothing and imagine how you'll look when you're bulging like a lava cone. Did I try it? OF COURSE I DID! Wrapped that sucker around me, pulled on the cocktail dress, and got a glimpse of my future.

Holy Kee-ripes! While my mother's laughing at me, I'm rendered speechless. Staring at the mirror, my jaw hanging to the very place where this foreign object begins to pop out. This body of mine is going to become the great pod-thing from outer space, which I knew, and I've seen pictures of other pod-people, but I never imagined what I will really look like. I'm going to be huge! An elephant! The strangest dirigible you ever did see!

And then the punch line. Mom tells me that the pillow only shows what I'll look like at around seven or eight months. What? WHAT?!

I'm five feet tall, people! There is no room in here for a Volkswagen!

Did I buy the dress? Yes, yes I did. If I'm going to become a pod-person, you bet your sweet bippy that I'm gonna show that freakshow off. Yessirree!

Bun update: Twelve weeks, and at another ultrasound today (very, very stressful--I won't go into details except to say that *ugh*) I saw the little bugger swimming around like a porpoise. A very, very small porpoise. But bopping around like it owned the place! How strange is that? There's a little party in my stomach, and I haven't been invited!

Why aren't we egg layers, or marsupials, anyway?