You don’t imagine that you’re going to be the parent who will improvise your kid’s lunch out of half a hamburger bun and some almond butter. But once you spread the butter on the lesser half, a vivid future lunchroom scene unfolds in a mental tableau: cruel schoolyard teasing heaped upon your undeserving progeny as he opens his embarrassing lunch bag filled with broken graham crackers, an unappetizing apple and a sandwich that doesn’t even use proper bread. And after the vision fades to black, you will realize you are only following a long, ignoble family tradition.

Also, you never suspect that putting a diaper on, much less PANTS, will become a trial worthy of Job. A trial that you will often choose to avoid by letting the little savage run around naked rather than fight him for supremacy in epic sartorial struggle. You will try to time his nudity so that there might not be any unpleasant surprises as he leaps onto the sofa. Sometimes you will be successful.

You might not realize it yet, but you will also be the person who lets your tot play in the lid of the dishwasher while splashing (mostly clean) water everywhere. And you will view it as killing two birds with one stone because the water will clean the kitchen floor when you wipe it up.

You don’t see these things in your future, but they’re there.

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